What Happens When You Get Into a Tuk-tuk with a Driver Who Claims His Name is "Bruce Lee"

                                                             Tuk-tuk Driver "Bruce Lee"

I should have known it was too good to be true when the Tuk-tuk driver said the fare to The Great Swing would be only 100 baht. The standard fare is 200 and a shady minority of Bangkok Tuk-tuk drivers will try to weasel 300 baht out of you.

When we arrived at The Great Swing, the driver, surprisingly considerate, offered to come pick me up whenever I wanted, and again only 100 baht back to my hotel. I should have remembered one of my favorite phrases, I like to employ: "nothing in free enterprise is free."  Or another one of my favorites "if it seems too good to be true, it is too good to be true."

An hour later after my enjoy visit to Temple Wat Suhat and The Great Swing, my driver was there meet me, just as he promised.

"I hope it's OK, I have to take a quick trip to visit my sponsor on the way back to your hotel.  Only five minutes. OK?"  Hmm.  Seemed rather peculiar.  I had never heard of Tuk-tuk drivers having sponsors before.

My driver took a circuitous route, on roads I had definitely never traveled before. 15 minutes later we stopped at a rundown building that housed the International Fashion Company--World Class Custom Tailor.  

But driver didn't move.

"Aren't you going to go visit your sponsor?" I asked.

"No, you are," he replied.

"Why would I want to visit the International Fashion Company?"  I asked.

"Just visit five minutes," he replied.  "Then they'll give me a coupon for a free liter of gas for my Tuk-tuk." 

Wasn't pleased where this was going, but I figured I'd play along.

Inside the infamous International Fashion Company, World Class Custom Tailor (yeah right)

Within half a second I was greeted by a salesperson as quickly as a swarm of mosquitoes smells out a warm-blooded body.  His name was Narain.

"How about a suit?  I can give you an incredible deal if you buy six."

"I wear a suit maybe once a year," I replied. "Why would I want one, let alone six?"

"OK. Shirts. We have a special.  You can get ten for the price of seven."

"No, I don't want any shirts."

But, being a sucker and wanting to give a poor Tuk-tuk driver a break, I agreed to buy one. 

"If you buy two, the second is half price," Narain offered. "And these shirts are incredible--no ironing, no wrinkling, so beautifully soft."

I managed to hold my position and only get one.  What a deal!  I was only spending eight times more than the average Tuk-tuk ride costs.  Is this where the expression "getting taken for a ride" comes from?

Anyway, got measured and Narain promised to have my new shirt delivered to me at my hotel before 10 that evening.

Narain, very pleased with himself that another Tuk-tuk sucker had been reeled in.

When I returned to the Tuk-tuk.  The driver asked me what had happened and when I told him I made a purchase, he gave me several fist bumps, and with a glorious laugh, yelled "free gas, free gas!"

At least, I figured I could go back to my hotel and get a little rest before having dinner, now that nonsense was done.

But the drive back to the hotel still looked completely unfamiliar.  We seemed to be nowhere near my hotel in Chinatown.  Then, suddenly we stopped, in front of another rundown business building.

"Where the hell are we now?"  I exclaimed.  "I want to go to my hotel."

"Another sponsor," my driver grinned.  

"No!!!" I shouted. "I'm not going in!"

After two minutes of discussion, we reached an impasse:  I wasn't moving and neither was he.

"What is your name?"  I demanded, deciding I might just report him to the Bangkok Tuk-tuk authorities.

"My name is Bruce Lee," he informed me. I think he'd had this conversation before.

"Yeah, and my name is Santa Claus,"  I replied, "now let's get going."

I realized there was no quick way the impasse would be broken, so I went into the tacky shop of suitcases, counterfeit Prada bags, and gaudy watches.  But this time, I refused to buy anything even if they had put a gun to my head. 

After fulfilling my five-minute obligation, I returned to Bruce Lee and his Tuk-tuk. And this time he took me straight back to Shanghai Mansion, thankfully.  Before we parted ways I asked how far his Tuk-tuk traveled on a liter of gas.  35 kilometers he told me.  That could make a meaningful contribution to a Tuk-tuk driver's life, so I guess that's a happy ending of sorts. And I could have said no in the International Fashion Company--World Class Custom Tailor, if I had been a bit more forceful, so that was on me. 

The second group of sponsors.  No thumbs up from them as they could tell I was an unwilling, unhappy non-client.

I half expected this story wasn't over. I didn't think my shirt would ever be delivered and I would be left with a fake receipt worth nothing.  

But, I received a call from the front desk at the stroke of ten.  They had a delivery for me.  My shirt had arrived. I tried it on and it fit reasonably well, although the "wrinkle less shirt" needed to be hung in the closet because it had wrinkles and creases from where it had been folded.

And since I hadn't packed any nice shirts in my small backpack, I could wear it at Sirocco, the uber-fancy restaurant I had booked a reservation at for the following night as you can see below.  The moral of the story: there is no such thing as a discounted Tuk-tuk ride in Bangkok, as there always is a price to be paid, and ask your driver's name before you get in and if he says it's Bruce Lee, just walk to your destination instead.